Helping Your Child (and Yourself) Through Separation Anxiety When Starting School

Let me take you back to my son’s first day of kindergarten. We had practiced the morning routine, picked out his favorite outfit, and packed a lunch he loved. But as soon as we stepped into the school building, his grip on my hand tightened. His eyes welled up with tears, and suddenly, we both felt big emotions. This wasn’t just a milestone for him; it was one for me too. That day, I learned that separation anxiety isn’t just about a child’s fear of being away from their parents—it’s about the parent’s struggle to let go as well. As I am writing this, my next kiddo is starting kindergarten in three days and I am having all sorts of big feelings about that!

What is Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a common, natural reaction to being apart from someone we’re attached to. For young children, the start of school often triggers this anxiety because it's their first experience away from the comfort and security of home for a longer length of time. It's important to understand that separation anxiety isn't a reflection of a child’s maturity or a parent's competence. Instead, it’s a sign of strong, healthy attachments.

Why Does It Happen?

Separation anxiety arises from the fear of the unknown. For a young child, not having their parent close by can feel like a loss of safety. They worry about whether their parent will return and if they will be safe without them. For parents, it can be tough to trust that their child will be okay in someone else’s care. Both sides are experiencing a change, and with change comes uncertainty.

Recognizing the Signs

It’s more than just tears at drop-off. My son started waking up at night, worried that I wouldn’t be there when he woke up. He became clingy even at home and bedtime became tricky again. If your child is acting out of character, becoming unusually quiet, or complaining of stomach aches or headaches around school time, these could be signs of separation anxiety.

"But, What If You Leave and Never Come Back?"

A friend's daughter, Lucy, who was usually very outgoing, asked her mom, "But, what if you leave and never come back?" That question hit home. It wasn’t about school; it was about the fear of being left behind. Children don’t have the life experience to understand that goodbye at the school gate is just a temporary separation. To them, it can feel like an eternity.

Coping with Separation Anxiety: Strategies That Work

Start Small: Begin by leaving your child with a trusted caregiver for short periods. Gradually increase the time as they become more comfortable.

Create a Goodbye Ritual: Consistent routines can be very comforting. Whether it’s a special handshake, a hug, or a wave from the classroom window, make it something they can count on.

One mom told me she and her daughter do a “hug, kiss, hug, kiss, butterfly kiss” every day. It’s their special way of saying goodbye, and it makes parting easier.

Reassure, But Don't Linger: Assure your child that you’ll be back and that they’re safe. But, long goodbyes can make things worse. A quick, loving departure sends a strong message that everything is okay.

Empathize and Validate: Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Let them know it's okay to feel scared or sad about being apart. Empathy goes a long way in easing their fears.

I remember telling my son, “I know it’s hard to be away from me, and that’s okay. I feel that way too when I’m not with you, but we’ll be together again soon.”

Comfort Item: Allow them to take a small item from home, we know you don't want to pack anything big, but a small favourite rock, crystal, or bracelet that help to provide comfort and a sense of connection. I am buying two bracelets that are the same for myself and my daughter. When she is feeling sad and missing me, she can squeeze the bracelet and know that Mommy loves her and am going to see her again soon. I am also going to leave a little drawing in her lunch box (I am no artist either, lol!) If your kids are old enough to read, you can leave a little note saying how much you love them!

Talk about the Plan and the Return: I am going to walk you to your classroom, I will give you a big hug and after school I will pick you up at the playground doors at 3:15 with your favourite snack!

Building Trust and Independence

As parents, our ultimate goal is to raise confident, independent children. Trusting them to be okay without us and trusting ourselves to let them grow is challenging but essential. It’s about baby steps, both for the child and the parent. Each day apart is a step toward independence and resilience.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Every parent feels that tug of the heart when leaving their child, and every child learns to cope with the anxiety of being away from their parent. It’s a universal experience, and it’s okay to reach out for help.

Let’s Work Through This Together

If you’re struggling with separation anxiety, either your own or your child's, we’re here to help. At Couples to Cradles Counselling, we understand the challenges parents face and are ready to support you.

Visit couplestocradles.com for more resources, or book a free consultation to learn how we can help you and your child navigate this new chapter. Let’s make this transition as smooth as possible, together.

A New Chapter, A New Strength

Starting school is a big step, but it’s also a beautiful opportunity for growth. For you and your child, it’s about learning to trust, to let go, and to embrace new experiences. It’s okay to feel anxious—what matters is how we move through that anxiety and support each other along the way. Let’s take this journey together, one day at a time.

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